12 posts tagged “happy”
I went to my first "real" party last night and had my first shot of imported Irish whiskey. Followed by a shot of rum, then a few shots of gin (I HATE GIN UGH). Whiskey is the best tasting and feeling of the three by far, and is the first alcohal I've tried that I actually enjoy.
And along with all of that, I got smoked up for the first time since Mike's birthday. The two combined were crazy cool. Bryan and I left the party and went shopping for sexyclothes and played dressup/picture time (laptop has a built in webcam). AND HE LET ME DO HIS MAKEUP. XD!!!! He said he'd go halves with me on a camera so we can get a nice one for our moneymakinz. XD We really need to get going on that.
I'm back on raw foods pretty hardcore and eating a lot of greens. It does wonders for the skin. And energy levels, holy shit. Bryan and I had some pretty fucking amazing sex today. It had been too long. We were both in a grumpy, lazy slump eating sugary crap for a while. No moar, plzkthx! ^-^
Hanging out with my mom was a blast (<0.o>) Yes. A blast. XD!!! I looooove Twilight, but I don't love Edward because he looks too much like Bob the shminx and that's really fuckin' creepy. We had DiGiorno, and I slept in my old bed. First bed I've slept in since I moved out.
Friday we went for a drive, then went to Denny's for burgers (why I decided I needed a rawfood detoooox UGH XD) and went on a really long walk in the woods (no wonder Jen had a blast XD WALKING) and I've convinced her to start walking with me every Friday now. We've never gotten along this well before. I'm so happy.
Cammy came in yesterday to see me at work! And I was already off the clock, so we got to hug and chat and stuff! I miss her. We're gonna get so much food together. Melissa too. We're gonna go to Little Italy and get cannoli and cassata cake.
I start fall bellydance classes at the dance academy this Wednesday. I'm so excited!
I have a few people wanting to buy kale chips and chocolate coconut balls from me, so Imma get to cookin'. XD
Bryan watched the first NANA movie with me and he liked it. ^-^ I BET I'M SO BEHIND ON THE MANGA! EEEP!
Made me miss my kuzn hardcore.
I LOVE YOU, KUZN! WE SO NEED A NANA PARTY!!!
I've officially had the best night of my life. So far. XD And it was Saturday night. I went to a funk show. In the middle of the woods. Where funk was played. By a huge group of crazy looking (mostly black) people in crazy costumes including cheerleader outfits and rainbow wigs. For a bunch of hippies riding without seatbelts. Who later spent the entire night and next morning running through the trees and playing with glowsticks. And I was one of them.
So here's how it all began...
Early last week, one of Bryan's friends called him up to tell him about this funk show going on in the woods Saturday by this awesome dude. So, we went up there with Mike, and brought fun stuff like glowsticks and you know, other things. When we pulled in and were looking for a nice spot to park and camp, this guy asked if he could hop on the back of the truck for a ride up the path. Well, we let him. And when we found a nice spot and stopped, he came around front to thank us and offer us a special price on some funky paper... which we eagerly accepted, seeing as we couldn't find it at all when we were there for a show in the spring.
Me and Bryan set up the tent while Mike wandered off in search of the porta-potties, then we all looked around the vendors' booths. There were all kinds of beautiful things, like drums, jewelry, clothes, and of course all kinds of junky food. We held off on shopping since it was nearly time for the show, so we headed back to the tent and got ready. Which of course involved smoking and chewing up paper. We chewed and chewed until my mouth felt funny and the paper dissolved into nothing as we headed down to the show. It was already starting to take effect by the time we got there, which surprised me quite a bit because I thought it was supposed to take like an hour. Then again, I was really high and took a million years to get my millions of layers (it was cold) and put them on.
The show was fucking incredible. It was an experience that can't really be explained. But I'll try. XD Everything I felt (physically, emotionally, spiritually) was amplified in the most beautiful way. The funk would draw you in, the passion in everyone's voices would make you feel that you were at the utmost peak of pleasure in every sense, and the funk was all that mattered. Whoever was singing was like, the grand-daddy master of funk at that moment, and you'd give them their props like it was all you lived for. And then the next would sing, and it was just the same. And the whole time, you're dancing and know that you're just as awesome and funky as the one everybody's praising on stage. It was the same sort of feeling as being in a black church where everybody's wailing their hearts out for their god, only everyone was wailing their hearts out for the funk. We wanted it, we had it, and we loved it. And that's all that mattered. It was a celebration of the passion of life. The life that continues as an energy reincarnated eternally.
Everything I saw was beautiful. And not just the swirling patterns in the clouds and sand and mist, or the trees that would curl their leaves in a dance like they were grasping at their own beautiful auras, but also in the dead hunk of a fish I saw being picked at by smaller fish in the water, and in hitting myself in the face really hard with the glowstick I was swinging around on a string. Everything that anyone said to each other the whole time was basically a version of,"This is awesome! I feel great!" "Yeah, me too!"
Gosh. There are so many things to write about from that night. I'll make a list and just fill one in every now and then, 'cause I need to buy some shit online. XD
- Light saber chick.
- Bubblegum and kitten farts.
- Dewey's Giggity Gangsta Grilled Cheese
- Ryan and the water.
- Grapes.
- Cage / spin the wheel.
- Parade.
- Vines.
- Charlie Brown paper kid / best bud.
- Glowstick Nation.
- Rainbow spiders.
- Happiness / acceptance like kindy should be.
- Medical grade / chat.
- Stump dance.
- Hula hoop chick.
- Jingle bracelet.
- Torch jingling girl.
- The cat when I got home.
- Ninety dollars.
Hi, Jen here. Pretty much the same one. But I'm in a whole new world now. I broke up with Cameron, moved in with Young Bryan, and am in one of the most bizarre love triangles ever between him and Mike. I live with Bryan, and he's... technically my boyfriend, but we're in an open relationship, so I'm also sort of dating Mike. But, they're best friends and we're all completely aware of the situation, so it's awkward at times when we're all hanging out. I love them both. I just want to be close to the people I care about.
We're all going to be porn stars. Kickass, eh?
I'm practicing more yoga and studying more magick. I'm having fun with food and creating things. I'm learning to live in the moment, for the moment. I'm experiencing things most people can't even dream about and seeing the world in a million new ways.
I'm happier than I've ever been.
Life is wonderful.
8:06pm
You have no right to forget me.
I'm an amazing listener.
I love with all that I am.
I make people happy.
I'm deep.
I fight to the death.
I don't care who the hell you are.
I'm better than you.
So why can't I let it go...
Without running away from home?
At Niki's
Saturday
November 22nd
10:12am
Shit, son. It's been like a month. PLISS. LET MEH ECKSPLAYN. So, my gramma moved in and seems to have brought the Great Wall of China with her. Sadly, she sat it right in front of my computer, so I can only journal when I'm at Niki's and she's in the shower. XD Anyway, to update the world, Halloween was totally amazing, I'm definitely going to find out what the health food store has to offer (jobwise) and switch if it's good. The deli life is simply not my cup of meat. But that's old news. For people who I've already told, at least. XD Cameron's decided he wants to be famous, so he's not holding in his talents so much anymore and is becoming much more brave about expressing it. It inspires me to do the same. The snow is here. Thanksgiving's going to be broken up because my mom's antisocial and my gramma's boxes have taken over the world. I had a weird dream Thursday night that I was sad and giving Squirrelaroo a hug. Friday I found out he was fired, so I decided I'm a totally awesome psychic.
Me and Niknik are having our usual blasty. We roasted a fresh young chicken last night with fresh rosemary, little red potatoes, and golden delicous apple. IT WAS SOOO GOOD! Then we had gelato. ^-^ Anne and I are going to BT(white boy from the kitchen)'s rap concert next Friday night. It should be fun. XD
Happy Thanksgiving!
7:42pm
Cameron's always been wonderful. Really, he has. But he never makes me feel important anymore. Like, he realized I'm not going to leave him so he stopped trying to make me happy (except when it's convenient for him, or when he's feeling guilty about not doing such a great job). And it's been like this for over a year. It's really starting to get to me. If I try to make a plan with him, he's either not interested (because it's something I want to do; he's happy to make me sit through what he likes to do.), or I have to keep my entire year open in case he has time to squeeze me in after everyone else is through with him. It's insulting. I'm not putting up with it anymore. I told him this. All of it. And I said that if it didn't change soon, I was going to take a break. Not necessarily from the relationship itself, but just from seeing him. There's no point to it. We don't talk anymore, and we don't like to do the same things.
He's never interested in anything I have to say, and usually gets pissed off, like my day at work and my new friends are the most annoying thing he's ever heard of in his life. Yet, he seems thoroughly offended when I can't manage to keep my attention perfectly on his RC car babble and endless music talk. At least I fucking care. Every time we get together, he just acts like it's a chore, unless he's just having me sit in his house while he actually DOES chores. He LOVES that. About 90% of the times I've seen him over the course of our relationship consisted of me going to his house and doing absolutely nothing.
He hates going places, but feels obligated to because that's what makes me happy, right? Right, it would be. If you liked to go places. I absolutely HATE going places with him because he's always miserable about it! How the hell am I supposed to have a good time with you if you're pissed off about what I'm trying to enjoy? It just makes me feel guilty. If you don't want to do it, don't fucking volunteer. And if you DO volunteer, don't make me feel guilty about causing you to have such a horrible time. I can't understand why driving to a restaurant and having me buy you wings that you loved is so fucking awful, and it's stupid to try to lie to me and say you're having a good time. I'm not fucking blind. I can see when you're unhappy, and it ruins my whole day. And I only GET two days off a week. Don't ruin one. That's so mean.
I've realized over the last few weeks that I enjoy my time alone more than I've enjoyed the time spent with Cameron recently. I think there's something wrong with that. I think that until we're capable of seeing each other without getting upset, we simply shouldn't.
I think we've reached a point in our lives where we need to discover ourselves, and it's best that we do that alone, with nothing from each other but love and support. Our friendship is weak. May it heal once we've found ourselves.
Then I'll move it faster, faster, faster, faster.
Wednesday, September 10th
Noonish
Only two days off this week. Today and Friday. I fucking NEED a day off after closing with Cindy last night. She makes us do twice as much as anyone else makes us, and every time she walks past me, she goes,"Faster, faster, faster, faster!" SHUT. UP! MY ARMS WILL NOT MOVE FASTER THAN THIS WITHOUT FLYING OFF OF MY BODY. GO. AWAAAAY.
The store was closed. The customers were all gone. The EMPLOYEES were all gone. Except for me, Justin, and Cindy. Yet, for some reason, it is inappropriate to talk while I'm cleaning the glass on the meat display case.
I was already pissed at her for being such an annoying bitch, and for having to clean ALL THREE slicers that night because there were only two of us closing the deli (Cindy had to close up the seafood department because the guy who was supposed to got hurt in culinary school today). But. Even though I'd been working my ass off and putting up with her shit for the past nine hours (THAT'S RIGHT KIDS, NINE FUCKING HOURS OF CINDY) I wasn't allowed to make idle conversation to take my mind off of murdering her in the face. FINE. I'LL JUST GO FASTERFASTERFASTERFASTER. MY RAGE FUELS MY ARM. AND MY MURDEROUS PLOT. ENJOY.
"Nooo taaaalkING! You need to be working!"
"We can do both at the same time! (forced happy tone)"
"No you can't! If you're looking up at him you're not looking at what you're cleaning."
What?! I didn't even know where the fuck he was at. I just responded to a voice from beyond the counter. SHUT. UP. CINDY. THIS IS NOT STUDY HALL. I HATE YOU.
"I wasn't looking up at him."
"*hushedgrumble*"
And as if that were not enough, they had to shut the power off because they're doing something to the freezers or something. I don't know. But, Cindy had us rush over to the machine to punch out, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. WOW. SO, A FUCKING HALF HOUR AFTER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IS TOO LATE. IMAGINE THAT. So, she had us go fasterfasterfasterfaster back to the deli, and I was THOROUGHLY PISSED, rushing round like a fucking maniac, and slipped on the floor (I didn't know Justin had just mopped. I was too consumed by my attempt to burn a hole through the glass I was cleaning with my fasterfasterfaster arm.) and landed flat on my ass (and killed myself). It was a classic Charlie Brown football kick fall, without so many flips.
She was acting all fucking concerned. Concerned that I might report her ass and jeopardize her fucking JOB maybe. It's her WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. She is the ONLY person I've met there who talks about nothing but work. Justin told me she has kids! SHE HAS NEVER MENTIONED HAVING CHILDREN, A HUSBAND, A PET, A FRIEND, A THOUGHT, OR ANYTHING BUT MEAT AND CHEESE. DIE ALREADY!
Me and Justin had a very serious discussion about this (while she was at her 2 o'clock meeting and the employees were allowed to speak) and decided that no one would fuck that. The kids are either a lie, adopted, or were artificially inseminated. No one would even rape her. She'd be talking about stock levels. Who gets off on that?
Anyway, when we FINALLY got out of there (9 fucking 15 pm), I was on the bench in front of the store trying to release all of the day's frustration by crying and ranting to Cameron on the phone, when Cindy comes around the fucking corner and starts talking to me! "Are you okay? How long until your ride gets here? Do you want me to wait with you?' WTF?! NO! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!! IT'S HARD TO BITCH ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE A FOOT AWAY. IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT I'M ENRAGED AND HAVE A THROBBING ASS-BRUISE RIGHT NOW. DON'T TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS GUILTY BY PRETENDING TO CARE. YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR HARASSING AND CAUSING INJURY TO CUTE HAPPY NEW EMPLOYEES THAT THE MANAGER ABOVE YOU LIKES. YEAH. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM WHAT A GREAT JOB I WAS DOING SO FAR. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOURSELF INSTEAD. HAVE A GOOD EVENING. I HOPE YOUR CHILDREN KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO.
Friday, August 15th
1am
That's right, kiddies, I've just woken up. I went to bed at 8pm (after having woken yesterday at 3pm from a TERRIBLE night's/half-day's sleep). And I had some left over green smoothie. I actually like it better after it's been in the fridge. It's a bit thicker (probably because of the coconut oil, which becomes solid around 75F) and it tastes like blueberry applesauce. Because it basically is. LOL I will have so much fun making baby food for my kiddies someday. Why do I keep saying kiddies?
So, yesterday, when I got up it was because my mom was coming home and wanted to take me to the farmers' market! I was so excited! I think the reason she's buying vegetables is because I told her I was gonna start buying them for myself. The real question is... is she trying to save me money, or trying to maintain her role as food dictator? The world may never knoooow.
So, then we came home, I had an apple and brushed my teef, and we were off to the dentist! I love my dentist. She is SO nice. I wanna be best friends with her. LOL Really, though, she's just so friendly. The dentist I had as a child was TERRIFYING and seemed to hate children. When I had to have teeth extracted, she wouldn't let me close my eyes when I got scared. She'd say closing my eyes would make me more scared, and yelled at me to keep them open! So I had to watch the novocaine needle inching toward my gums. I swear the syringe played the Jaws music.
Compare that to my current dentist, who takes notes on what you talk about, and offers tips on fun places to work. Her favorite place to work when she was in college was Krispy Kreme, because everyone who came in was so happy. XD!!! Also, every time I come in, she compliments my teeth. Today she said,"I love cleaning your teeth. They're so pretty. They have a nice color." I just sat there with my mouth open. Because she had her hook in there. The tiny one for scraping, that is. She's no pirate.
But yeah, it's actually a family business. Her dad owns the place. I guess he does my mom's teeth sometimes, but I've never had him. She's young, like late twenties to early thirties. And really cutesy. I think it's mostly because of her tiny little voice. LOL Maybe that's why I like her so much, because it reminds me of my friend Lindsay (Michelle's sister) who, oddly enough, is studying to be a dentist. XD I miss Lindsay. And Mesa. And Michelle. I wonder if Michelle is still in China. She went there this summer with a foreign exchange student she's friends with.
Anyway, then we went to Burger King. ^-^
Friday
1:30pm
While it is a day meant to celebrate our "freedom" from a much better country, I must try to remind myself that I should be happy about it, because if my ancestors had not come to this land and "mingled" with the natives, I would not be here to type this. Shame they won the war though, eh? Thanks anyway, guys.
Sorry it's been so long. First I spend like an entire week at Niki's, and was simply having too much fun (AND WALKING TOO MUCH. HOLY SHIT.) to type. Then after I got back home, my mom decided I don't do enough chores to deserve internet access. Fine, mother. I won't use the computer. But don't come complaining to me when you're sad because you pay all this money out every month for absolutely no reason.
Anyway, I managed to get it back two days ago (after spending the entire day pulling weeds and mowing the lawn) but I just couldn't be bothered to type until now.
So, during my week at Niki's (more or less) I experienced many things. There was walking. And some more walking. Lots of penises and drunk girls. (Aunt Sandy's bachelorette party.) Dancing ALL night (ending around 6am when I went for a walk). Getting invited to an Autumnal Equinox bonfire at my aunt's. A metric shit-ton of Pokemon. Pizza. Crisis. Parents sucking at being parents. Rain. Sun. Waiting four hours for Wendy's to open and then deciding not to take Devin's money. Sitting awkwardly while Devin and Chris ate. Walking. Getting invited to the bridal shower at 10pm. Tv shows about fat people. Being Aunt Sandy's "amateur nutritionist" until the wedding. About six more shit-tons of pokemon. Spending ten years trying to get a ride to the store. Flat tire. Walking in the rain. At night. Imagining being pulled over for weaving on the sidewalk. Hiding my cards for fear of them being stolen. Along with everything else I brought over. The Espeon-Charmeleon incident. Niki, the fairest bitch of them all. XD Amazing water from Iceland. Strawberries. Blueberries. Making the best blueberry pancakes ever with Niki. Poo that looked like charcoal from eating so many blueberries... and that's probably a good place to stop.
I felt a bit slow for not realizing it earlier, but I've figured out what I want to do with my life... as far as a first career goes. I'm going to be a nutritionist. I've been interested in how food affects the body since like sixth grade when my mom took interest in Somersizing (Suzanne Somers' weight loss eating plan), and over the last year or so I've become completely obsessed with natural health. And people are always asking me, you know, "Is this healthy? What about this?" And I'm always trying to push my views about food on other people, so what better job would the be for me than telling people what to eat?! XD!!! I just can't believe it took me so long to figure out. It wasn't until I started planning stuff with Aunt Sandy that it really clicked.
The problem was, though, that my college didn't have a program for that. So, I started researching and in just a few hours I found my dream school. It's an online school, so I wont have a schedule to work around when I try to get a job (SOON). It's almost the same price as Land O'Lakes. EVERY class is directly related to the career. There are no pointless unrelated requirements. You can work at your own pace, so as long as I can afford it, I can finish up faster. Anyway, it's called Clayton College of Natural Health. It's accredited by a credible-looking source, though the accreditor is not on the U.S. Department of Education's list. That doesn't mean that the material and degrees are not legitimate, though. It ony means that graduates of the college won't be able to participate in certain federally sponsored events that require the title (Ph.D., etc.) they earned there. I looked through the list and there isn't even an accreditor there that's for nutrition in any way shape or form. Fuck you, Department of Education. You and your love o'drugs. I may become an herbalist too.
I also met a lovely dragonfly when I was weeding the front flowerbed. I really wish I'd never sat on my camera. I still can't afford to get a new one yet. I don't even know if I'll be able to afford my books for school. My mom offered to help me with my books a few weeks back if I couldn't afford it. I may have to use the $150 that Cameron gave me for graduation to use for an emergency. The tuition is quite literally all of my savings. I'll have thirty-five dollars left. So now I can't even get a laptop yet. Gimme dat jarb.
I've started doing yoga again. I've finally managed to get myself on a... not quite NORMAL, but rather, an EARLIER sleeping schedule. I've been waking up in time to do this yoga program that's on at 6am on the Oxygen network, called Inhale. I discovered it after staying up all night watching infomercials one new years eve (or rather, day) a few years back. I would stop for different reasons. Either I'd have to go to school half way through, or they would replace it for a while with Xena, or I just couldn't bother to get up that early, etc., etc. For the last year though, my main reason was that my wrist has grown this big crazy bump, and it would hurt when I did poses that require you to put your hands on the floor put weight on them. But, I'm managing to do it without much discomfort, and I'm convinced that it's going to go away. I thought so for a long time, just because it would fluctuate in size, sometimes shrinking. But when Niki's mom mentioned yoga when we were talking about stress last week, I showed her and she said she had the exact same thing and it went away (after some years, but still).
Also, I walked to the library last week (which took about an hour) and picked up a couple books.
2am
Yet another fight with my mom. I'm going to Cameron's tomorrow to escape and hopefully find enough comfort to smile again. Hopefully I can peep hang with Niki on Friday too. Return her precious NANA, which I finished tonight, and bring those presents.
I've decided against the goats' milk. I have to save up to get out of here as soon as is humanly possible. And I don't want to give Cameron more stress by taking me to pick it up every week. He'll have enough to deal with when he moves back in with his parents. And now they don't "support his entrepreneurship" because they want school to be his main focus.
I am so fucking sick and tired of them trying to tell him that he can only do one thing at a time. He can do PLENTY of things at one time with no stress as long as they leave him the fuck alone. He's had a job while going to school for YEARS even while putting up with their shit all the time. His parents are such a glass ceiling, but they think that all he accomplishes should be accredited to them. What a load of bullshit. They only thing they've done is made him sick and unhappy. The things they consider his accomplishments were just his way of trying to shut them up, or just get the hell out of the house. All that family does is try to outdo and impress each other. All Cameron wants is to make them care about him like parents are supposed to. They treat their children like trophy-wives.
I still don't know how to teach him to be happy. I haven't quite figured it out myself.
