13 posts tagged “hate”

Monday, November 23rd
10:24pm

I have a ton of energy coursing through me, and no matter how I try to use it, nothing seems like what I'm supposed to be doing right now.  It's the most frustrating feeling.  Sean came over and me, him, and Young Bryan were all playing our drums.  I just couldn't get it right.  It was one of those off-nights where you can't seem to keep a steady rhythm, or you lose your feel for every beat you start.  And it made me go,"Oh, well I guess I shouldn't be playing my drum right now.  I should do something else."  And everything since then that I've thought of or started to do is just... not it.  I can't find what I need.  Sort of like when you're really hungry, and you have a taste for something, but you just can't place it.  It's driving me crazy. 

And it really doesn't help that its ten-thirty and I'm nearing the time when I'll do that thing where I lay down and suddenly it's time to go to work.  I don't like having a job.  I don't like money.  Or that people have to use it in order to survive in most places.  I need a place to go where I can be free.  But I know the only place that can change my freedom-status is in my mind.  I'm only as free as I let myself be.  I can't be a slave to my thoughts.  When I learn to control them I'll be free.

I don't write much these days.  I don't like that..  I miss long days of solitude between my school days and work days.  I'm so busy lately.  I need a sabbatical hardcore.  I hate my job.  I'm so tired of being on my feet for eight hours, with some douche bags who don't know shit about shit breathing down my neck every time I blink.  I just want to live my own life.  Spend my time on more important things.  Not be so exhausted when I do have some of my own time.  I just want out.

But I don't know where to go.

The more I know, the less I understand.

On the bright side, I'm practicing driving and learning astrology.
And I'm getting really good at bellydance.
And I had amazing sex today.
Which caused the carpet to break the skin on my back.
And the neighbor to knock on  the door.

So worth it.
 
93

Tuesday

March 10th

8:22pm

My best friend at work, Debbie, has decided that Thursday will be her last day on the job.  The owner's an egotistical wopzilla who hates people he can't piss off, and therefore terrorizes the world trying to single those people out.  Debbie's not one of those people, so she... uh... got pissed off enough to quit.  I'm really gonna miss her.  She was the only person there who I really felt I could talk to, especially about work-related problems.  Hopefully I'll still get to see her sometimes.  Her sister is a manager at a pizza place 10min from her house, whereas our current workplace is nearly an hour's drive for her.  She'll be going there and managing three days a week.

I was hired in mid-December.  Since then, six people have been fired, and now we're losing Debbie.  I'm still the newest person there, and one of VERY few people trained in the juice bar.  I really hope they decide to hire another person, because I've lately been doing the work of two people... and would prefer that the number not inflate.  It's becoming more and more like the deli every day.  But I can't quit here.

At least not yet.  I want to have at least six months here for my future applications since my last job I only lasted three months at before quitting.

And I like my employee discount.

A lot.

I also want to kill my mother.

All she does is make me cry.

I have to move out.  Soon.

Fuck her.  She's not getting any more of my money.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME TO DRIVE SO I CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!

9:30pm

The new health food shop is going to be right near my work.  It will be four times the size of the original store, and have a juice bar in it.  There's still no official opening date yet.  I could DIE of joy.

Right down the street from the original health food shop there's also a CPS shop, a fairy/nature(/CPS?) shop, and an Irish pub (which I got stew from with Cameron today.  IT WAS SO GOOD.).  My next day off I want to walk around that area and check out all the places.  And the other health food shop across the street from the one I go to that I still haven't been to yet.  There are apartments in that area too.  And it's all in like a half hour walking distance, in a nice neighborhood.  That's where I want to live as soon as I have my degree paid for and own a car.  If I moved there right after getting my degree, I'd be paying rent out the ass and wouldn't be able to afford a car.  So even though I'll be mostly walking, I still need to get a car first.

They have mint chocolate swirl ice cream (at the original health food shop XD) that's made from rice milk.  It's AMAZING.  I think I like it better than Bryers.  No milk after-taste.  Excellent texture and flavor.  Not so good once it's melted, but it melts very slowly.  The chocolate swirls are fudgey and minty.  Not sure if I like that so much.  The new store should have more flavors.  I think they have it at Giant Beagle too.  Maybe they have more flavors.  Unless they only have the rice milk, and not the ice cream.  Anyway, it's called Good Karma (Rice Divine).  Let's check it oooout!

I want to make a work people list too.  Yes.

Cindy (aka: Hitler/Christine2):  Self explanatory.

Anne:  HILARIOUS.  25.  Has a 5 year old daughter.  I thought she was like eighteen and was so shocked about the kid.  LOL   We take the (breaded) soooole train to Clam Town whenever one (or one hundred) opens up, and we mimic Hitler when she's off.  We salute each other when it's time for our lunch breaks.

Justin (aka: Daddy/Captain/Squirrelaroo):  Jealous because he was off the day me and Anne formed 67687963123 inside jokes.  Slacker.  Dave the Laugh.  Drinks and parties a lot.  Squirrelaroo is his species, because stores cheese for winter in his apron pouch.  (Me and Anne are GENIUSES.).  Went to L.A. to try to become a DJ right before I started working there, came back a week later.  Currently trying to figure out if he's capable of developing musical taste.  I'll determine that after he plays some music from the band he was raving about yesterday.  Calls me Meat Man. Smoker (ick, elch, eltche).  We talk about cartoons.  Cameron hates him with a passion.

Jenn:  Went to our "rival school" and does a lot of black head motions when she's got an attitude.  Round, with glasses, same age as me.  I steal her customers and she tries to crush my arms when I try to get meat out of the case.  XD  She tells me about how her old boyfriend cheated on her and how she thought she might have been pregnant a while back.  I sit there and nod, trying not to hurl at the idea of someone touching a person that physically terrifying.  She constantly tells me I'm weird.  I tell her I know.  Anne can't stand her.  Justin asked if I'd stab her with a poison dart in the break room if he gave me one.  I said I'd think about it.

Pam:  Tiny, cute grandma type.  From England, and therefore so much fun to hear talk.  All of our customers from the UK talk to her, and bring her newspapers from London, etc.  Really cool.

Ed:  Best person to close with 'cause he's so laid back.  Probably in like his sixties.  From New York.  Light-hearted.  Hates Cindy's bullshit.  Starts chats when it's not busy instead of making us clean the world in silence.

Mary:  Greatest demo person ever.  Me and Anne always hope she's going to give out samples.  Speaks kind of slowly.  Really nice.  "Come on over here and get a sample.  I have breaded soooole.  I have clams here ready for sampling.  One just opened up."   Good times, good times.  When I brought Cameron in to introduce him to everyone, she said we were so cute walking around the... stooore together.  ^-^

Maryanne:  Usually nice, but snapped at us for talking the other day (bizarre).  She's the one who sneakily threw away chicken because she was annoyed by Cindy being Cindy.  She shakes.  Like a chihuahua.

Myra:  Nice.  In her forties or fifties.  Good to close with.  She said she likes closing with me.  ^-^  Her and Justin joking around together is REALLY hilarious.  She laughs really hard at a lot of the "that's what she said" type of jokes.  Only they're usually worse.  XD  She'd make a much better manager than Cindy.

The Sushi Chef (whose name I still don't know):  Really nice.  Cute.  Thick Japanese accent.  Should let Niki live with her.  LOL

That's everyone in the deli (I hope I didn't forget anyone  LOL).  Unless you count a couple people from the seafood department who come over to help when we're short-handed.  Outside of the deli there's my friends from school, Mary who trained me (I'm her unofficial dietician XD), John from the kitchen, and Cathy and Corrine up front who I talk to the most in the breakroom.

I got my first five-day-week paycheck yesterday. 

$240

I deserve a juicer.

Then I'll move it faster, faster, faster, faster.

Wednesday, September 10th

Noonish

Only two days off this week.  Today and Friday.  I fucking NEED a day off after closing with Cindy last night.  She makes us do twice as much as anyone else makes us, and every time she walks past me, she goes,"Faster, faster, faster, faster!"  SHUT.  UP!  MY ARMS WILL NOT MOVE FASTER THAN THIS WITHOUT FLYING OFF OF MY BODY.  GO.  AWAAAAY.

The store was closed.  The customers were all gone.   The EMPLOYEES were all gone.  Except for me, Justin, and Cindy.  Yet, for some reason, it is inappropriate to talk while I'm cleaning the glass on the meat display case.

I was already pissed at her for being such an annoying bitch, and for having to clean ALL THREE slicers that night because there were only two of us closing the deli (Cindy had to close up the seafood department because the guy who was supposed to got hurt in culinary school today).  But.  Even though I'd been working my ass off and putting up with her shit for the past nine hours (THAT'S RIGHT KIDS, NINE FUCKING HOURS OF CINDY) I wasn't allowed to make idle conversation to take my mind off of murdering her in the face.  FINE.  I'LL JUST GO FASTERFASTERFASTERFASTER.  MY RAGE FUELS MY ARM.  AND MY MURDEROUS PLOT.  ENJOY.

"Nooo taaaalkING!  You need to be working!"

"We can do both at the same time!  (forced happy tone)"

"No you can't!  If you're looking up at him you're not looking at what you're cleaning."

What?!  I didn't even know where the fuck he was at.  I just responded to a voice from beyond the counter.  SHUT.  UP.  CINDY.  THIS IS NOT STUDY HALL.  I HATE YOU.

"I wasn't looking up at him."

"*hushedgrumble*"

And as if that were not enough, they had to shut the power off because they're doing something to the freezers or something.  I don't know.  But, Cindy had us rush over to the machine to punch out, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.  WOW.  SO, A FUCKING HALF HOUR AFTER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IS TOO LATE.  IMAGINE THAT.  So, she had us go fasterfasterfasterfaster back to the deli, and I was THOROUGHLY PISSED, rushing round like a fucking maniac, and slipped on the floor (I didn't know Justin had just mopped.  I was too consumed by my attempt to burn a hole through the glass I was cleaning with my fasterfasterfaster arm.)  and landed flat on my ass (and killed myself).  It was a classic Charlie Brown football kick fall, without so many flips.

She was acting all fucking concerned.  Concerned that I might report her ass and jeopardize her fucking JOB maybe.  It's her WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.   She is the ONLY person I've met there who talks about nothing but work.  Justin told me she has kids!  SHE HAS NEVER MENTIONED HAVING CHILDREN, A HUSBAND, A PET, A FRIEND, A THOUGHT, OR ANYTHING BUT MEAT AND CHEESE.  DIE ALREADY!

Me and Justin had a very serious discussion about this (while she was at her 2 o'clock meeting and the employees were allowed to speak) and decided that no one would fuck that.  The kids are either a lie, adopted, or were artificially inseminated.  No one would even rape her.  She'd be talking about stock levels.  Who gets off on that?

Anyway, when we FINALLY got out of there (9 fucking 15 pm), I was on the bench in front of the store trying to release all of the day's frustration by crying and ranting to Cameron on the phone, when Cindy comes around the fucking corner and starts talking to me!  "Are you okay?  How long until your ride gets here?  Do you want me to wait with you?'   WTF?!  NO!  GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!  IT'S HARD TO BITCH ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE A FOOT AWAY.  IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT I'M ENRAGED AND HAVE A THROBBING ASS-BRUISE RIGHT NOW.  DON'T TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS GUILTY BY PRETENDING TO CARE.  YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR HARASSING AND CAUSING INJURY TO CUTE HAPPY NEW EMPLOYEES THAT THE MANAGER ABOVE YOU LIKES.  YEAH.  MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM WHAT A GREAT JOB I WAS DOING SO FAR.   MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOURSELF INSTEAD.  HAVE A GOOD EVENING.  I HOPE YOUR CHILDREN KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.  YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO.

Tuesday, September 2nd

10:30pm

I just got home.  UGH.  It was nice to not have to leave the house until 10am today, but I didn't fucking get home until ten PM.  I'm so exhausted.  I hate all the shit we have to do at closing.  Opening is a LOT less stressful.  You don't have Cindy bitching at you to hurry up about every three and a half seconds.  Plus the actual work itself sucks.  Garbage, dishes, Cindy bitching, picking scorching hot meat off of chicken bones (FOREVER), Cindy bitching, cleaning everything, Cindy bitching.  You get the bitchure.

No one can stand Cindy's bitching.  This sweet old lady, Maryanne (which is ironic to hear from me, because Cameron's demon-mother shares the same name) got so pissed about it that she started to sneakily throw away some of the chicken I was picking the meat off of so we could all go home sooner.  It was SO funny.  XD

Today, I bought a quart of fresh-squeezed orange juice and a giant thing of spinach.  I finished all the orange juice by lunch, and had half of the spinach.  I felt so healthy.  XD 

Then I had a milkshake.

YAY!

Wednesday, August 27th

4pm

I get paid for my training!  YESSS!  It was so exhausting, though, so I'm sort of not surprised.  LOL  4pm-8pm Monday and yesterday.  Mostly handouts, videos, and paperwork.  But I did get to shadow for quite a while yesterday.  I was taught how to use and clean the meat slicer.  The scales look really confusing though.  They punch in like a million numbers after they weight stuff.  How do they know what to push?  I'll let you know when I find out. XD

I get an hour lunch, and a fifteen minute break.  And I joined the muthafuckin' union.  XD  My department manager's name is Cindy.  It was SO hard to not be like, "HI CINDY!!!"  Like I did with Jonjon's Cindy every time she was nearby.  XD

There was this one video that's supposed to be "funny".  The only funny thing about it was how TERRIBLE the acting was.  It (like everything else in our fucking training) was all about customer service.  And EVERY time a customer was treated well, they said "WOOOW!" 

There were two other new guys (Stephen in dairy and Alex in produce, both from a nearby Catholic school, though Alex just graduated) who started the same day I did, and while me and Alex watched the WOW video, Stephen was downstairs doing a customer service computer quiz thing with Mary (who's was doing all of our customer service training.  Out of everyone I've met so far she's my favorite, though everyone is SO nice).  So, when it was Stephen's turn to watch the video, we told him to count the wows.  LMFAO  I don't know if he actually did, though.  He's very quiet.  And for once, I'm not.  XD  Except with some of the cashiers who look like they might be snobby.  I'm still careful around them.  But yeah, if I ever get to train people, I'm definitely counting the wows next time I see that.

And yesterday, I saw Lindsay!  Michelle's sister.  We were choir buddies back in the day, and she was best friends with Mesa.  I had NO idea she worked there!  We were very excited, and caught up on each others' lives (I was early, and she'd pop over between bagging groceries).  She was like,"If you're ever working an eight hour shift...*nod*  lunch."  XD!!!  She graduated a year before me, and other than a "Hi, Lindsay!" in the Land O'Lakes halls a couple times last year, I haven't really talked to her since her graduation party.  It's funny.  I knew her longer, but ended up a lot closer with Michelle.  I guess we just have more in common.  I still haven't asked her how her China trip was.  TO MYSPACE!

BUT FIRST.  I MUST SAY THIS.

THE BAKERY.

IS MY WEAKNESS.

NIKI.  I WILL BRING YOU NOMS.

I should bring you to the store so you can pick out favorite noms.

Here's a list of all the people I've met (and remembered):

• Bob (Manager)
• Sean (knew from school, manager's son)
• Alex (produce)
• Stephen (dairy)
• Danielle (knew from school)
• Lindsay (knew from school)
• Jen (also in deli.  hate that I'm not the only one.  my name tag has to say Jennifer now instead.  I might change it to Jenni before I start interacting with customers.  No one calls me that anymore but Cameron and sometimes aunts and uncles.  And I'm sure Devin would if he knew who I was.  LMFAO  Anyway, I miss it.)
• Mary (basically everything)
• Anne (deli)
• Maryanne (deli)
• Cindy (deli manager)
• Nick (dairy manager)
• Cory (female. customer service desk)

And I met at least another ten people whose names I can't remember.  Mary introduced us to EVERYONE we walked past.  It was a bit overwhelming, but everyone was very welcoming.  Thank god for name tags, eh?

Also!  I has a uniform!  It's kind of cute, but everything is so big on me.  XD  Because it's in "ladies sizes" instead of juniors, which would fit me.  Black baseball cap (the visor was cuter, but it hurt my head and kept sliding down my face), hairs in a ponytail (all of them.  XD  Just because I'm in deli), light blue button-up shirt, black apron, black shoes (or white), black (or khaki, or dark blue) pants (which you supply).  No facial piercings, and "offensive" tattoos must be covered.  And no more than three piercings per ear, and two rings per hand.  I don't think hair color is an issue, because there's a black lady who works in the kitchen with BRIGHT red-orangey hair.  But that might be because she doesn't do as much customer interaction.  I'm not sure.  Boys need to have hair above shoulder length, and no facial hair.  Basically, most of our customers are old people, who are easily frightened or offended... and most of all, OBSCENELY judgemental.

Sunday, August 24th

9:10pm

She makes me cry.

Friday, August 15th

1am

That's right, kiddies, I've just woken up.  I went to bed at 8pm (after having woken yesterday at 3pm from a TERRIBLE night's/half-day's sleep).  And I had some left over green smoothie.  I actually like it better after it's been in the fridge.  It's a bit thicker (probably because of the coconut oil, which becomes solid around 75F) and it tastes like blueberry applesauce.  Because it basically is.  LOL  I will have so much fun making baby food for my kiddies someday.  Why do I keep saying kiddies?

So, yesterday, when I got up it was because my mom was coming home and wanted to take me to the farmers' market!  I was so excited!  I think the reason she's buying vegetables is because I told her I was gonna start buying them for myself.  The real question is... is she trying to save me money, or trying to maintain her role as food dictator?  The world may never knoooow.

So, then we came home, I had an apple and brushed my teef, and we were off to the dentist!  I love my dentist.  She is SO nice.  I wanna be best friends with her.  LOL  Really, though, she's just so friendly.  The dentist I had as a child was TERRIFYING and seemed to hate children.  When I had to have teeth extracted, she wouldn't let me close my eyes when I got scared.  She'd say closing my eyes would make me more scared, and yelled at me to keep them open!  So I had to watch the novocaine needle inching toward my gums.  I swear the syringe played the Jaws music.

Compare that to my current dentist, who takes notes on what you talk about, and offers tips on fun places to work.  Her favorite place to work when she was in college was Krispy Kreme, because everyone who came in was so happy. XD!!!  Also, every time I come in, she compliments my teeth.  Today she said,"I love cleaning your teeth.  They're so pretty.  They have a nice color."  I just sat there with my mouth open.  Because she had her hook in there.  The tiny one for scraping, that is.  She's no pirate.  

But yeah, it's actually a family business.  Her dad owns the place.  I guess he does my mom's teeth sometimes, but I've never had him.  She's young, like late twenties to early thirties.  And really cutesy.  I think it's mostly because of her tiny little voice.  LOL  Maybe that's why I like her so much, because it reminds me of my friend Lindsay (Michelle's sister) who, oddly enough, is studying to be a dentist.  XD  I miss Lindsay.  And Mesa.  And Michelle.  I wonder if Michelle is still in China.  She went there this summer with a foreign exchange student she's friends with.

Anyway, then we went to Burger King.  ^-^

The very beginning of Monday, August 10th

Midnight

I know I should probably have some sort of excuse for why I haven't written in a while, but I don't.  Yes, my mom and I had a HUGE argument and she took the internet box away for a few days because of it, but I've had it back for three or four days and I just didn't feel like talking about my life.  There's too much to say, and not nearly enough words currently in my personal vocabulary.  I'll try to catch you up.  Short and sweet.  Ish.

My mom's a BITCH and I'm stuck with her until she throws me out.

I can't let her throw me out yet because I can't get student loans and have to save up for college by working.

Which means I have to live here.  Near a bus stop.

The government is an even bigger bitch than my mom.

Fuck them for knowing NOTHING about health, and not putting worthy schools on their list.

Now it'll take months for me to save up what I need to start classes.

Niki's graduation party was a LOT of fun.

She's got a job now.

I've got more ideas for places to look for work. 

Trying offices next.

I'm turning all my applications in on the same day so I hear back from them all at once (more or less).

Gramma might not move in with us.

If it weren't for the bunnies, the trees, and the hawks, I'd wish we'd never moved out.

There was a big, shiny black spider in my room last night.

I tried to catch it in an empty ice cream bucket to let it outside but it escaped and I lost it.

I shut my bedroom door and slept on the couch.

I still don't know where it is and I'm scared to sleep in my room tonight.

There are some spiders that cause your flesh to decay when they bite you.

And others that just kill you.

So I feel that I have a good reason to be terrified.

I'm out of water AGAIN and can't get to the store until Monday unless I get a ride.

Which I won't.

I miss Niki already and fear that with us both working, we'll never see each other.

I'm scared of losing more friends.

I only have two. 

Three if you count Aunt Donna.

But we still haven't talked much yet.

I've been drawing, singing, and dancing more.

I feel like I'm wasting my life.

Nothing I do seems to have a purpose.

And no purpose I work towards seems certain enough to be worth the effort.

And I'm terrified that I won't be able to get a good enough job with the degree I want.

And that with my first job, I'll end up having to spend that money on another degree that I don't even like.

I've spent the last nineteen years waiting for my life to start.

I can't bear to think that working my ass off for (roughly) the next two years will lead me right back to here.

I'm scared that Cameron's new extreme passion for music is going to leave me in the dust.

Even though he says he only wants to sing with me.

And I'm scared that he'll dive head first into a new major that won't get him a job.

And that because of that he'll be in his parents' house for another ten years.

There's no way in hell he could survive that long with them.

I feel so alone.

I'm also addicted to lonelygirl15 and the Dragon Wars app on myspace. 

How pathetic is that?

I haven't even played SyrupTales in like a month.

And I'm ONE level away from finally becoming a wizard.

And I have no life.

And I still can't spend any money.

My bank account is taunting me.

I just want some vegetables.

Every day.

And clean water that isn't full of poison.

And mascara.  Because I've been trying to convince myself to buy more for a YEAR.

And my skin looks horrible.

Because when I get really upset or nervous, my fingers attack every imperfect pore they can find.

I decided today that I'm not going to do that anymore. 

I won't touch my face (or neck) unless I'm washing it or putting on makeup.

I hate this place.

On the bright side... today I got an envelope from the bank and opened it.

And then I found ten dollars.

Hello, water fund.

Wednesday, April 30th

1am

People tend to find their flock.  When you're going through rough times, you can end up relating best to people in similar situations.  Sometimes that works out.  You can help each other through the hardships, be each others' crutch and shoulder to cry on.  But sometimes, when you care a lot, you just hide it.  After all, they have their own unbearable problems to deal with, right?  Wouldn't want to burden them even more.  That's when it doesn't work out.  At all.

But how do you find the limit?  There has to be a line of some sort, separating what you should and shouldn't talk about.  Can you estimate another person's breaking point?  What if you're both on the edge?  If you can't deal with something on your own, isn't it okay to have someone who you know cares about you help?  What brings on that feeling of guilt?  That hesitant pause before sending the call?  The sudden drop when you hear laughter on the other end and hate yourself for killing it? 

Don't they deserve that laughter?  After all, they've been there for you countless times before.  This is no way to thank them.  So the problem becomes less than it is, or isn't even mentioned.  Part of you knows they'd want to help if they knew how you felt, but they just sounded too happy to bring down for someone so weak.

Sometimes... this is what I feel.