4 posts tagged “it”

Tuesday

April 21st

8:48pm

I can't stop the woods and the beach and the fire and the sun and the stars from swirling around each other in my head.  Every second I spend in a building or a house makes me feel like I'm being punished, and I just need to break out and look up to see forever again.  Being out there so much after so many years away has brought back all my old summer memories.  Running as swiftly as possible through the branches to discover the mystery that is the other side of the hill, watching the animals live in a way they have for longer than I can begin to imagine.  Sneaking out into the yard in the middle of the night just to watch the moon rise, the meteors fall, and the bats flitter, and making coffee (the only time I ever did like it) with my sister at sunrise.  I crave it, the freedom of leisurely time in nature with good company, uninterrupted.

Homesick, I guess you could call it.  Only far more fierce.

Calm down, Jen.  Saturday's getting closer.

Beef & Cheese

Steak

Grill

Steak Knife

Barbeque Sauce

Tobasco Sauce

A-1

Beer

Meat

Burger

Brats (braaahhhhts)

Chili

Beans

Chili Cheese (whether it be on a hotdog or a burrito it is manly)

Jerky

Ketchup

Chops/Porkchops

Bacon

Fried

NOT SKILLET UNLESS USED IN SUCH A PHRASE AS THIS:  This is my skillet where my WIFE fries things, and then I HIT her with it!

Nachos

Pizza  ...   Speaking of which, we're about to go get some.  (Is that what she said?)

Friday, September 26th

10:39pm

This was my first day off since LAST Friday.  If I wasn't off tomorrow too I'd murder Cindy.

I apologize for being a little out of it right now.  After all of my healthy eating recently, the sugar, salt, and chemicals I loaded up on today are making me a bit loopy... since my body's not used to them anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if this or that happened to be different.

If I'd never gone through hell with Chelsea, would I still trust people?

Or have ever become such a good poet?

If I hadn't tried to use Bridget as a stairway to popularity in seventh grade and seen into "their" world, how long would I have wanted to be friends with the popular girls before realizing what they were really like?

If I wasn't shy growing up, would I be a partying slut?

Would that be as fun as it looks... if it wasn't so empty?

Do I just wonder about that because I feel like I was deprived of  the whole "dating" part of life, like I just... picked a husband?

As glad as I am to have been handed the most beautiful flower, I feel like I missed my chance to walk through the field.

If I'd met Cameron before I quit being shallow, would I have even given him the time of day?

If I'd never met him, how much longer would I have survived alone?

If I lost him, what would become of me?

What would I be like if I'd had a father?

Or if I'd never met the sad creature that claims to be mine?

Or if I didn't spend my whole life wishing I had something... money to get what I need, people to be close to who care, something to make me feel like my time here is worth anything.

Will I ever feel secure enough to risk having children?

Will I ever look at sex as not being a terrifying risk?

Will I ever stop having pimples?

Who's driving me to work on Sunday?

If slicing meat is how I earn my living, what is my life?

The two days a week I spend typing journals and waiting for Cameron to fit me into his schedule?

I need a car.

Ugh.

I played my clarinet today.

It was the first time in five years.

I showed my mom the biggest spider I've ever seen in my yard today.

She killed it.

Then I'll move it faster, faster, faster, faster.

Wednesday, September 10th

Noonish

Only two days off this week.  Today and Friday.  I fucking NEED a day off after closing with Cindy last night.  She makes us do twice as much as anyone else makes us, and every time she walks past me, she goes,"Faster, faster, faster, faster!"  SHUT.  UP!  MY ARMS WILL NOT MOVE FASTER THAN THIS WITHOUT FLYING OFF OF MY BODY.  GO.  AWAAAAY.

The store was closed.  The customers were all gone.   The EMPLOYEES were all gone.  Except for me, Justin, and Cindy.  Yet, for some reason, it is inappropriate to talk while I'm cleaning the glass on the meat display case.

I was already pissed at her for being such an annoying bitch, and for having to clean ALL THREE slicers that night because there were only two of us closing the deli (Cindy had to close up the seafood department because the guy who was supposed to got hurt in culinary school today).  But.  Even though I'd been working my ass off and putting up with her shit for the past nine hours (THAT'S RIGHT KIDS, NINE FUCKING HOURS OF CINDY) I wasn't allowed to make idle conversation to take my mind off of murdering her in the face.  FINE.  I'LL JUST GO FASTERFASTERFASTERFASTER.  MY RAGE FUELS MY ARM.  AND MY MURDEROUS PLOT.  ENJOY.

"Nooo taaaalkING!  You need to be working!"

"We can do both at the same time!  (forced happy tone)"

"No you can't!  If you're looking up at him you're not looking at what you're cleaning."

What?!  I didn't even know where the fuck he was at.  I just responded to a voice from beyond the counter.  SHUT.  UP.  CINDY.  THIS IS NOT STUDY HALL.  I HATE YOU.

"I wasn't looking up at him."

"*hushedgrumble*"

And as if that were not enough, they had to shut the power off because they're doing something to the freezers or something.  I don't know.  But, Cindy had us rush over to the machine to punch out, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.  WOW.  SO, A FUCKING HALF HOUR AFTER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IS TOO LATE.  IMAGINE THAT.  So, she had us go fasterfasterfasterfaster back to the deli, and I was THOROUGHLY PISSED, rushing round like a fucking maniac, and slipped on the floor (I didn't know Justin had just mopped.  I was too consumed by my attempt to burn a hole through the glass I was cleaning with my fasterfasterfaster arm.)  and landed flat on my ass (and killed myself).  It was a classic Charlie Brown football kick fall, without so many flips.

She was acting all fucking concerned.  Concerned that I might report her ass and jeopardize her fucking JOB maybe.  It's her WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.   She is the ONLY person I've met there who talks about nothing but work.  Justin told me she has kids!  SHE HAS NEVER MENTIONED HAVING CHILDREN, A HUSBAND, A PET, A FRIEND, A THOUGHT, OR ANYTHING BUT MEAT AND CHEESE.  DIE ALREADY!

Me and Justin had a very serious discussion about this (while she was at her 2 o'clock meeting and the employees were allowed to speak) and decided that no one would fuck that.  The kids are either a lie, adopted, or were artificially inseminated.  No one would even rape her.  She'd be talking about stock levels.  Who gets off on that?

Anyway, when we FINALLY got out of there (9 fucking 15 pm), I was on the bench in front of the store trying to release all of the day's frustration by crying and ranting to Cameron on the phone, when Cindy comes around the fucking corner and starts talking to me!  "Are you okay?  How long until your ride gets here?  Do you want me to wait with you?'   WTF?!  NO!  GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!  IT'S HARD TO BITCH ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE A FOOT AWAY.  IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT I'M ENRAGED AND HAVE A THROBBING ASS-BRUISE RIGHT NOW.  DON'T TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS GUILTY BY PRETENDING TO CARE.  YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR HARASSING AND CAUSING INJURY TO CUTE HAPPY NEW EMPLOYEES THAT THE MANAGER ABOVE YOU LIKES.  YEAH.  MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM WHAT A GREAT JOB I WAS DOING SO FAR.   MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOURSELF INSTEAD.  HAVE A GOOD EVENING.  I HOPE YOUR CHILDREN KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.  YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO.