6 posts tagged “parents”
10pm
Cameron's parents are going to a doctor's appointment tomorrow around 8am, so he says that he can't take me to work because they need the car. Even though there are two vehicles. Three if you count Geepie, which it's too cold to put new headlights in tonight. That's a load of rubbish. He just doesn't want them to see that he's taking me.
This is fucking ridiculous. I don't want to walk 45min through a scary city in the dark and cold.
And I don't want to get up at the crack of the middle of the night and spend an hour and a half wandering around Giant Beagle waiting for my second bus to start running, before standing in the cold for a half hour at the stop.
And I certainly don't want to miss another day of work because of this nonsense. Six people have already been fired, and they weren't even fired for REASONS.
Now he's calling me. Oh, for heaven's sake.
The very beginning of Monday, August 10th
Midnight
I know I should probably have some sort of excuse for why I haven't written in a while, but I don't. Yes, my mom and I had a HUGE argument and she took the internet box away for a few days because of it, but I've had it back for three or four days and I just didn't feel like talking about my life. There's too much to say, and not nearly enough words currently in my personal vocabulary. I'll try to catch you up. Short and sweet. Ish.
My mom's a BITCH and I'm stuck with her until she throws me out.
I can't let her throw me out yet because I can't get student loans and have to save up for college by working.
Which means I have to live here. Near a bus stop.
The government is an even bigger bitch than my mom.
Fuck them for knowing NOTHING about health, and not putting worthy schools on their list.
Now it'll take months for me to save up what I need to start classes.
Niki's graduation party was a LOT of fun.
She's got a job now.
I've got more ideas for places to look for work.
Trying offices next.
I'm turning all my applications in on the same day so I hear back from them all at once (more or less).
Gramma might not move in with us.
If it weren't for the bunnies, the trees, and the hawks, I'd wish we'd never moved out.
There was a big, shiny black spider in my room last night.
I tried to catch it in an empty ice cream bucket to let it outside but it escaped and I lost it.
I shut my bedroom door and slept on the couch.
I still don't know where it is and I'm scared to sleep in my room tonight.
There are some spiders that cause your flesh to decay when they bite you.
And others that just kill you.
So I feel that I have a good reason to be terrified.
I'm out of water AGAIN and can't get to the store until Monday unless I get a ride.
Which I won't.
I miss Niki already and fear that with us both working, we'll never see each other.
I'm scared of losing more friends.
I only have two.
Three if you count Aunt Donna.
But we still haven't talked much yet.
I've been drawing, singing, and dancing more.
I feel like I'm wasting my life.
Nothing I do seems to have a purpose.
And no purpose I work towards seems certain enough to be worth the effort.
And I'm terrified that I won't be able to get a good enough job with the degree I want.
And that with my first job, I'll end up having to spend that money on another degree that I don't even like.
I've spent the last nineteen years waiting for my life to start.
I can't bear to think that working my ass off for (roughly) the next two years will lead me right back to here.
I'm scared that Cameron's new extreme passion for music is going to leave me in the dust.
Even though he says he only wants to sing with me.
And I'm scared that he'll dive head first into a new major that won't get him a job.
And that because of that he'll be in his parents' house for another ten years.
There's no way in hell he could survive that long with them.
I feel so alone.
I'm also addicted to lonelygirl15 and the Dragon Wars app on myspace.
How pathetic is that?
I haven't even played SyrupTales in like a month.
And I'm ONE level away from finally becoming a wizard.
And I have no life.
And I still can't spend any money.
My bank account is taunting me.
I just want some vegetables.
Every day.
And clean water that isn't full of poison.
And mascara. Because I've been trying to convince myself to buy more for a YEAR.
And my skin looks horrible.
Because when I get really upset or nervous, my fingers attack every imperfect pore they can find.
I decided today that I'm not going to do that anymore.
I won't touch my face (or neck) unless I'm washing it or putting on makeup.
I hate this place.
On the bright side... today I got an envelope from the bank and opened it.
And then I found ten dollars.
Hello, water fund.
Tuesday, July 22nd
11:56pm
I've always been the girl whose friends come to her for advice. But what happens when I don't know what to do either? I feel like not being able to fix someone else's problem is just as bad as creating it in the first place. I really shouldn't, because it's completely illogical, but I don't know how else to deal with it. Failing your friend is just... it makes me cry. I hate letting people down.
Niki's dealing with some serious crap, as usual, and I can't help her. I feel like the worst friend in the world just because I don't know how to fix her problems. I shouldn't feel like that. I can't fix half of my own problems, but I don't beat myself up over that. At least not as much. It's NOT my fault that I'm out of ideas, and it's NOT my fault that she can't afford to get an apartment right now. But I feel like even she thinks I'm a terrible friend and a horrible person for giving her a dose of reality and telling her that. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! WHY DO I FEEL SO AWFUL?! Don't shoot the fucking messenger. Ugh.
I only disagree with her when she's doing something that I think is harmful to herself. I'm allowed to have my own opinions every once in a while. Even if I look at her point of view, I'm allowed to say it doesn't make sense, isn't logical, or even that I think it's wrong. And if she prefers to do things that I think are harmful, that's fine, that's her decision. But I should still be able to tell her what I think without being the insensitive ass. Now I'm annoyed, and will most definitely come across as one. I need to vent. Everyone needs to let their inner opinionated bitch out now and again.
That being said, here are my frank and possibly rude opinions.
I think it's stupid to choose living with her dad (and sharing a room with Nick) over living with her mom.
- He has no job. No house. No money. No food. He doesn't even like Nick right now.
- She wouldn't even sleep in Nick's room the other night because he hadn't showered in a week. Even when there is hot water, he doesn't shower unless she forces him to. His sheets and laundry would stink up the entire room. She could never tolerate that room and would find herself a couch (which she'd hate) to avoid the smell.
- He'll probably end up living with Gina as soon as she gets over their most recent fight.
- At her mom's she could have her own room. With a bed. Apparently it's uncomfortably small. I say, suck it up. As small as it is, it's a hell of a lot better than sharing a room or being a hobo (her only other option that exists in this state). It's temporary anyway, so just DEAL with it, because it's the best there is right now. And there will be food. And places nearby where she can earn money.
Staying with Lynn should not be ruled out before she even visits her.
- There is nothing in the damn town worth her staying for. Or even fucking coming back for. None of the people here who she wants to spend time with ever feel the same way except for me. And I'll be moving to the east coast as soon as I can anyway. And she can bring Nick with her, though I doubt he'd want to go. There's an ultimatum that'd show how much he cares.
- Lynn offered to pay to put her through school there and hook her up with a job she'd love. She wouldn't make these offers if she didn't really care. Niki would not have to worry about feeling like a burden because of that. Which I think she feels like with her parents.
- She'd have everything she needs to be comfortable while she figures out who she is and what she wants to do with her life. Food, a bed, the choice to do whatever she wants at any given moment, friends, pets, spending money, spare time, fun trips. To be perfectly honest, if it didn't mean leaving Cameron behind, I'd go live with Lynn!
And now Niki's back and not mad at me... or even at all. So I'm gonna feel like a complete ass for still posting this, but it IS what I feel, so it SHOULD be in my journal. Right? Oy.
Also. I hate when I'm talking to her and then all of a sudden it's Chris. Can she not take a piss without you stealing the computer? Back off brotha.
Okay. Deep breath... and....
Save.
Friday
1:30pm
While it is a day meant to celebrate our "freedom" from a much better country, I must try to remind myself that I should be happy about it, because if my ancestors had not come to this land and "mingled" with the natives, I would not be here to type this. Shame they won the war though, eh? Thanks anyway, guys.
Sorry it's been so long. First I spend like an entire week at Niki's, and was simply having too much fun (AND WALKING TOO MUCH. HOLY SHIT.) to type. Then after I got back home, my mom decided I don't do enough chores to deserve internet access. Fine, mother. I won't use the computer. But don't come complaining to me when you're sad because you pay all this money out every month for absolutely no reason.
Anyway, I managed to get it back two days ago (after spending the entire day pulling weeds and mowing the lawn) but I just couldn't be bothered to type until now.
So, during my week at Niki's (more or less) I experienced many things. There was walking. And some more walking. Lots of penises and drunk girls. (Aunt Sandy's bachelorette party.) Dancing ALL night (ending around 6am when I went for a walk). Getting invited to an Autumnal Equinox bonfire at my aunt's. A metric shit-ton of Pokemon. Pizza. Crisis. Parents sucking at being parents. Rain. Sun. Waiting four hours for Wendy's to open and then deciding not to take Devin's money. Sitting awkwardly while Devin and Chris ate. Walking. Getting invited to the bridal shower at 10pm. Tv shows about fat people. Being Aunt Sandy's "amateur nutritionist" until the wedding. About six more shit-tons of pokemon. Spending ten years trying to get a ride to the store. Flat tire. Walking in the rain. At night. Imagining being pulled over for weaving on the sidewalk. Hiding my cards for fear of them being stolen. Along with everything else I brought over. The Espeon-Charmeleon incident. Niki, the fairest bitch of them all. XD Amazing water from Iceland. Strawberries. Blueberries. Making the best blueberry pancakes ever with Niki. Poo that looked like charcoal from eating so many blueberries... and that's probably a good place to stop.
I felt a bit slow for not realizing it earlier, but I've figured out what I want to do with my life... as far as a first career goes. I'm going to be a nutritionist. I've been interested in how food affects the body since like sixth grade when my mom took interest in Somersizing (Suzanne Somers' weight loss eating plan), and over the last year or so I've become completely obsessed with natural health. And people are always asking me, you know, "Is this healthy? What about this?" And I'm always trying to push my views about food on other people, so what better job would the be for me than telling people what to eat?! XD!!! I just can't believe it took me so long to figure out. It wasn't until I started planning stuff with Aunt Sandy that it really clicked.
The problem was, though, that my college didn't have a program for that. So, I started researching and in just a few hours I found my dream school. It's an online school, so I wont have a schedule to work around when I try to get a job (SOON). It's almost the same price as Land O'Lakes. EVERY class is directly related to the career. There are no pointless unrelated requirements. You can work at your own pace, so as long as I can afford it, I can finish up faster. Anyway, it's called Clayton College of Natural Health. It's accredited by a credible-looking source, though the accreditor is not on the U.S. Department of Education's list. That doesn't mean that the material and degrees are not legitimate, though. It ony means that graduates of the college won't be able to participate in certain federally sponsored events that require the title (Ph.D., etc.) they earned there. I looked through the list and there isn't even an accreditor there that's for nutrition in any way shape or form. Fuck you, Department of Education. You and your love o'drugs. I may become an herbalist too.
I also met a lovely dragonfly when I was weeding the front flowerbed. I really wish I'd never sat on my camera. I still can't afford to get a new one yet. I don't even know if I'll be able to afford my books for school. My mom offered to help me with my books a few weeks back if I couldn't afford it. I may have to use the $150 that Cameron gave me for graduation to use for an emergency. The tuition is quite literally all of my savings. I'll have thirty-five dollars left. So now I can't even get a laptop yet. Gimme dat jarb.
I've started doing yoga again. I've finally managed to get myself on a... not quite NORMAL, but rather, an EARLIER sleeping schedule. I've been waking up in time to do this yoga program that's on at 6am on the Oxygen network, called Inhale. I discovered it after staying up all night watching infomercials one new years eve (or rather, day) a few years back. I would stop for different reasons. Either I'd have to go to school half way through, or they would replace it for a while with Xena, or I just couldn't bother to get up that early, etc., etc. For the last year though, my main reason was that my wrist has grown this big crazy bump, and it would hurt when I did poses that require you to put your hands on the floor put weight on them. But, I'm managing to do it without much discomfort, and I'm convinced that it's going to go away. I thought so for a long time, just because it would fluctuate in size, sometimes shrinking. But when Niki's mom mentioned yoga when we were talking about stress last week, I showed her and she said she had the exact same thing and it went away (after some years, but still).
Also, I walked to the library last week (which took about an hour) and picked up a couple books.
2am
Yet another fight with my mom. I'm going to Cameron's tomorrow to escape and hopefully find enough comfort to smile again. Hopefully I can peep hang with Niki on Friday too. Return her precious NANA, which I finished tonight, and bring those presents.
I've decided against the goats' milk. I have to save up to get out of here as soon as is humanly possible. And I don't want to give Cameron more stress by taking me to pick it up every week. He'll have enough to deal with when he moves back in with his parents. And now they don't "support his entrepreneurship" because they want school to be his main focus.
I am so fucking sick and tired of them trying to tell him that he can only do one thing at a time. He can do PLENTY of things at one time with no stress as long as they leave him the fuck alone. He's had a job while going to school for YEARS even while putting up with their shit all the time. His parents are such a glass ceiling, but they think that all he accomplishes should be accredited to them. What a load of bullshit. They only thing they've done is made him sick and unhappy. The things they consider his accomplishments were just his way of trying to shut them up, or just get the hell out of the house. All that family does is try to outdo and impress each other. All Cameron wants is to make them care about him like parents are supposed to. They treat their children like trophy-wives.
I still don't know how to teach him to be happy. I haven't quite figured it out myself.
I've been looking at my chest and giggling all day.
Yes. It is what you think. I've come over all lezzie toward myself and can't help trying to flirt with Law & Order.
They kind of just lay there, though.
No. It's actually not like that at all. I know Law & Order are going out with Cameron.
Actually, I'm giggling at my chets(intentional spelling) because there is a cute little Scottie dog there!
It's a necklace that looks like Cameron's Scottish Terrier (Doc! Doc! Not McGyver! Just Doc!) Why, yes! It IS the one featured in the lovely photo above. Don't you feel clever? He gave it to me for Valentine's Day. ^-^ Well, technically yesterday. My mom and his parents are all far too dim to understand the things I explained about mono to you, so, I couldn't visit him all weekend while he felt his worst. His mom brought him to my driveway for about three minutes so we could exchange Valentine's gifts and have a quick hug, and I could explain mono to her a bit. Honestly, I'm the ONLY person who researched it for an entire morning. His parents, who placed themselves in charge of caring for him, knew NOTHING except that it was contagious, and that the doctor told him to rest. Idiots.
