6 posts tagged “sex”

Monday, November 23rd
10:24pm

I have a ton of energy coursing through me, and no matter how I try to use it, nothing seems like what I'm supposed to be doing right now.  It's the most frustrating feeling.  Sean came over and me, him, and Young Bryan were all playing our drums.  I just couldn't get it right.  It was one of those off-nights where you can't seem to keep a steady rhythm, or you lose your feel for every beat you start.  And it made me go,"Oh, well I guess I shouldn't be playing my drum right now.  I should do something else."  And everything since then that I've thought of or started to do is just... not it.  I can't find what I need.  Sort of like when you're really hungry, and you have a taste for something, but you just can't place it.  It's driving me crazy. 

And it really doesn't help that its ten-thirty and I'm nearing the time when I'll do that thing where I lay down and suddenly it's time to go to work.  I don't like having a job.  I don't like money.  Or that people have to use it in order to survive in most places.  I need a place to go where I can be free.  But I know the only place that can change my freedom-status is in my mind.  I'm only as free as I let myself be.  I can't be a slave to my thoughts.  When I learn to control them I'll be free.

I don't write much these days.  I don't like that..  I miss long days of solitude between my school days and work days.  I'm so busy lately.  I need a sabbatical hardcore.  I hate my job.  I'm so tired of being on my feet for eight hours, with some douche bags who don't know shit about shit breathing down my neck every time I blink.  I just want to live my own life.  Spend my time on more important things.  Not be so exhausted when I do have some of my own time.  I just want out.

But I don't know where to go.

The more I know, the less I understand.

On the bright side, I'm practicing driving and learning astrology.
And I'm getting really good at bellydance.
And I had amazing sex today.
Which caused the carpet to break the skin on my back.
And the neighbor to knock on  the door.

So worth it.
 
93

I went to my first "real" party last night and had my first shot of imported Irish whiskey.  Followed by a shot of rum, then a few shots of gin (I HATE GIN UGH).  Whiskey is the best tasting and feeling of the three by far, and is the first alcohal I've tried that I actually enjoy. 

And along with all of that, I got smoked up for the first time since Mike's birthday.  The two combined were crazy cool.  Bryan and I left the party and went shopping for sexyclothes and played dressup/picture time (laptop has a built in webcam).  AND HE LET ME DO HIS MAKEUP.  XD!!!!  He said he'd go halves with me on a camera so we can get a nice one for our moneymakinz.  XD  We really need to get going on that.

I'm back on raw foods pretty hardcore and eating a lot of greens.  It does wonders for the skin.  And energy levels, holy shit.  Bryan and I had some pretty fucking amazing sex today.  It had been too long.  We were both in a grumpy, lazy slump eating sugary crap for a while.  No moar, plzkthx!  ^-^

Hanging out with my mom was a blast (<0.o>)  Yes.  A blast.  XD!!!  I looooove Twilight, but I don't love Edward because he looks too much like Bob the shminx and that's really fuckin' creepy.  We had DiGiorno, and I slept in my old bed.  First bed I've slept in since I moved out.

Friday we went for a drive, then went to Denny's for burgers (why I decided I needed a rawfood detoooox UGH  XD) and went on a really long walk in the woods (no wonder Jen had a blast  XD  WALKING) and I've convinced her to start walking with me every Friday now.  We've never gotten along this well before.  I'm so happy.

Cammy came in yesterday to see me at work!  And I was already off the clock, so we got to hug and chat and stuff!  I miss her.  We're gonna get so much food together.  Melissa too.  We're gonna go to Little Italy and get cannoli and cassata cake.

I start fall bellydance classes at the dance academy this Wednesday.  I'm so excited!

I have a few people wanting to buy kale chips and chocolate coconut balls from me, so Imma get to cookin'.  XD

Bryan watched the first NANA movie with me and he liked it.  ^-^  I BET I'M SO BEHIND ON THE MANGA!  EEEP!

Made me miss my kuzn hardcore.

I LOVE YOU, KUZN!  WE SO NEED A NANA PARTY!!!

I really have a lot going on.  I need to make a list of shit I need to do.

• Mail Niki's box.
• Make a mannequin.
• Call my mom to get my card.
• Buy a new shower filter.
• Soak some nuts for tomorrow.
• Fast.
• Put away my laundry.
• Buy a camera.
• Buy a dehydrator.
• Look into video editing programs.
• Expand wardrobe in a sexy way.
• Buy makeup.
• GO TO BED.
• Have sex.
• Study.
• STOP EATING SUGAR.
• Buy kickass silver wire.
• Practice bellydancing before class Wednesday.

Let's see how many I can knock off the list by tomorrow.  XD

I just got the internet in my apartment today.  My apartment that I moved into and stole half of from Bryan two months ago.  My tummy's full of heavy noms and I have no idea how late it is.  I have really great sex.  Can I just say that right up front?  And so many cuddles.  And adventures.  I went hiking with Young Bryan yesterday through these crazy-ass caves and cliffs that look like they're from Legends of the Hidden Temple only... real.  There was even a cool little waterfall we drank from.  And found lots of little pr0nfilming nooks and tested one out a bit.  I love my adventures with Bryan.   XD 

And the day before that I went swimming with Chris (young cousin) at the beach and got him caught up on my life and whatnot.  Next week I'm probably staying the night at Aunt Sandy's Monday night, so that on Tuesday Morning me, Chris, and maybe Devin and/or Christian (ALL COUSINS, WE ARE PLENTIFUL!!!) can go to the beach near their hood and go splorin'.

I'm listening to old deo's Shadow episodes.  I miss that show bigtime.  It's a pagan podcast.

Today, I called Mike to invite him over, and he was really stressing about a lot of stuff.  Money, finding a new job, sick gramma, stressed family, etc.  So, he came over and we cuddled, played with the computer, had incredible sex, rubbed chocolate all over each other in the shower afterwards, got all smoked up, and went out for bison burgers.  I like having someone to take care of just a little bit.  But not to the point where they need me to survive.  I like to spoil Mike, and he spoils me back.  ^-^  And we talk about a lot of stuff.  We're really alike personality-wise and he likes being a silly five year old with me, including the little voices.  And we can relate on a lot of deep emotional levels, both painful and pleasurable.  But most of the time, he's just plain fun.

When Bryan got home from work today, he was in a shitty mood, and had this big sad rant about his jealousy and such, because I guess Mike has a habit of forgetting to flush his baseball cards, so Bryan knows like exactly when we've had sex.  That was a downer, but what the hell am I supposed to do?  He's the one who keeps telling me I should be free to love whoever, however. I know it's hard, and that he wants to learn to overcome jealousy, but I still feel an urge to try to fix his problems, which makes me start thinking I should change things to suit his needs... but that's not what he wants, or what I want.  I just want us to all be happy and express how we feel about each other in peace. 

Anyway, Bryan did a banishing to get rid of his negative energy, and then we got all smoked up (such a stoner day, holy shit XD) and I showed him ALL the unicorns.  Charlies one through three and all of Planet Unicorn.  Lucky Star is next.  XD  By the way, Charlie the Unicorn should be experienced with pot by everyone who's interested in both of them.  XD  As should a lot of other things.  Pink Floyd, sex, walking around at night, bison, etc. 

Bryan showed me he's a gargoyle.  It was amazing.

Friday, September 26th

10:39pm

This was my first day off since LAST Friday.  If I wasn't off tomorrow too I'd murder Cindy.

I apologize for being a little out of it right now.  After all of my healthy eating recently, the sugar, salt, and chemicals I loaded up on today are making me a bit loopy... since my body's not used to them anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if this or that happened to be different.

If I'd never gone through hell with Chelsea, would I still trust people?

Or have ever become such a good poet?

If I hadn't tried to use Bridget as a stairway to popularity in seventh grade and seen into "their" world, how long would I have wanted to be friends with the popular girls before realizing what they were really like?

If I wasn't shy growing up, would I be a partying slut?

Would that be as fun as it looks... if it wasn't so empty?

Do I just wonder about that because I feel like I was deprived of  the whole "dating" part of life, like I just... picked a husband?

As glad as I am to have been handed the most beautiful flower, I feel like I missed my chance to walk through the field.

If I'd met Cameron before I quit being shallow, would I have even given him the time of day?

If I'd never met him, how much longer would I have survived alone?

If I lost him, what would become of me?

What would I be like if I'd had a father?

Or if I'd never met the sad creature that claims to be mine?

Or if I didn't spend my whole life wishing I had something... money to get what I need, people to be close to who care, something to make me feel like my time here is worth anything.

Will I ever feel secure enough to risk having children?

Will I ever look at sex as not being a terrifying risk?

Will I ever stop having pimples?

Who's driving me to work on Sunday?

If slicing meat is how I earn my living, what is my life?

The two days a week I spend typing journals and waiting for Cameron to fit me into his schedule?

I need a car.

Ugh.

I played my clarinet today.

It was the first time in five years.

I showed my mom the biggest spider I've ever seen in my yard today.

She killed it.

Choccy

That was really tastey and relaxing.  Except for the part where I was making it.  It began with a grumbly "What are you doing?" and ended with her bounding in to spy on me, and shouting about how I'm going to ruin her pots by putting them on the stove and boiling water in them.  As if they were designed specifically for anything but boiling water in.

So, apparently if I'm not going to "use the kitchen right" I should find myself another place to live.  But that's how it ends every time we speak to one another.  Without the bit about the kitchen, of course.  Though it seems to be a rather recurrant theme today.  Putting away dishes as they're told and boiling water in pots; My God, what has today's youth come to?  Next they'll be taking out the trash and baking things in ovens!  OH, SAY IT ISN'T SO!

Anyway, I put the cinnamon stick in the water while it was boiling for a couple of minutes, so it was like weak cinnamon tea when I added it to the cocoa packet.  It was really good.  And I put it in a tea cup rather than a mug so it wouldn't be as watery.  I don't use the milk in my house.  It's icky (pasteurized/homogenized).  But I'll not explain that now, seeing as I'll do a much better job of it in my term paper.

Bleh.  Speaking of English Composition, I have absolutely no motivation to write my essay.  But I need to start it now so I'm not up until 3am.  By then my fingers will be breaking off when I try to type with them.  I need some super thin, super warm gloves.  Do those exist?  Meh.  First I need money.  Anyway, the later it gets at my house, the colder it gets.  My mom turns the thermostat all the way down at when she sleeps (of course it doesn't matter if I'm awake) to save money on the bill.  I'm just glad it won't go below 50F (10C) or I'd die of hypothermia in my sleep.

I need to clear my head before I try to write stuff.  But it's getting late.  Nyeh.  I don't give a flying fuck about sex education right now.  I just want to curl up with a good book and a ridiculously huge blanket that's just been heated up nicely.  And another cup of hot cocoa.  And a fireplace.  And maybe a little slice of pumpkin bread, maybe replacing the cocoa with warm spiced cider.  I bet the pumpkin bread would even be good with a bit of fresh, warm cranberry jam.  Mmm...

It would do me well to go wash my face and brush my teeth.  My mom yells at me if I use the bathroom while she's asleep.